University Proudly Announces Cannabis Faculty of Washed-Up Consultants and One Guy Who Used to Work at a CBD Shop in 201
In an inspiring commitment to educational mediocrity, the University of New England announced the launch of its new cannabis industry program, a bold academic initiative staffed almost entirely by people whose résumés read like a Craigslist section titled Jobs I Almost Had.
The university revealed its faculty lineup with the same enthusiasm you’d see in a mall kiosk hiring sign. The roster includes:
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Three ex-consultants who “advised” cannabis companies that no longer exist
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A dude who once wrote a LinkedIn post about terpenes
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And their crown jewel: a man who worked at a CBD shop in 2019 and has not emotionally recovered since
Admissions staff told reporters they’re “thrilled to bring real-world experience to the curriculum,” which apparently means “We hired the only people willing to work for adjunct pay and cafeteria vouchers.”
The star hire, CBD Shop Guy, is listed as “Senior Lecturer of Cannabinoid Retail Dynamics.”
His qualifications include:
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Worked six non-consecutive weeks at “Nature’s Bliss Hemp Emporium”
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Got fired for “over-spritzing the lavender mist diffuser”
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Still thinks Delta-8 gummies are “the future, bro”
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Owns a single, poorly rolled joint from 2020 he calls “his archive”
Students can expect courses such as:
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CANN 101: Introduction to Buzzwords We Use to Pretend We Know the Plant
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CANN 214: How to Fail Up and Call It Consulting
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CANN 330: Retail Operations, A Deep Dive Into Why Every Store You’ve Worked In Got Shut Down
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CANN 402: Capstone, Designing a Brand No One Will Buy
The university insists the program was created due to “growing industry demand,” though insiders say it’s mainly because UNE lost their marine biology budget after a student tried to microdose a squid.
In the press release, the department chair claimed:
“We are training the next generation of cannabis professionals.”
Translation: “We googled ‘weed résumé template’ and hired the first five people who applied.”
Experts from actual cannabis markets expressed mild concern.
“Why is a college that can’t even run a functioning dining hall teaching weed operations?” asked one operator. “Every time universities get involved, they hire people who’ve never sold a gram in their life but have conducted 400 surveys nobody reads.”
Meanwhile, UNE’s marketing department has already designed a cringe-tacular promo poster featuring a leaf outline, a stethoscope, and some white dude in a Patagonia vest looking confused.
Enrollment opens this fall, assuming the faculty doesn’t quit to join another doomed CBD startup first.